


If The Beginning Is Just Halfway (On Hold)

by MeAndKyun



Series: Inured [3]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Dissociation, Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/sometimes Comfort, Implied Relationships, Lots of traumas it isn't even a joke, Mental Illness, Obsessive compulsive traits, Panic Attacks, other tags will be added as I go, past trauma, selfharm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:56:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26333725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeAndKyun/pseuds/MeAndKyun
Summary: Demure, inured but his panacea is the set of seven boys that Yeosang had collected throughout his life.The number eight, that is a perfect number. And he makes it one team as much as the others contribute to making Ateez.He only has to believe and lean in.
Relationships: Kang Yeosang & Park Seonghwa, Kang Yeosang/Park Seonghwa
Series: Inured [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1835956
Kudos: 23





	1. I don't trust my shadow, I learnt not to

**Author's Note:**

> First chapter of the multi-chaptered work I mentioned last time~
> 
> Before proceeding, it's mandatory to read the previous two parts of this series otherwise this part will very much be of little to no meaning since the story, relationships and the first reveal of the dynamics is in [You Are Never Alone ( We Are Always Together )](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24558298) and [I'll Wake You Up When You're Ready, Baby](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25355746).
> 
> With that clarified;
> 
> Enjoy ~

It was a normal day in their lives. Morning showers, shouting here and there to get ready faster, a 'go wake Jongho, pretty sure he fell asleep again' from Hongjoong, a distressed groan from Wooyoung as he passed by when he couldn't find his tracksuit pants for dance practice, Yunho choking on air for laughing at San and getting smacked in return because "my butt hurts. Stop giggling, asshole!"

Well, San did take a bad fall. Yeosang was putting his socks when the younger, in his sleep haze, skipped two steps of the staircase and landed on his behind, the edge of the last step digging into his butt and very painfully so, from where Yeosang could see. Mingi was by his side in a second, helping him up and patting his behind in an attempt to soothe the pain. San continued to sulk anyways because Hongjoong reminded him of the need to maintain good manners even when mad and how cursing first thing in the morning was unacceptable in his household.

Dramatic, very. But that was the cost of living as eight. A blessing.

"Not so fast, my prince." Came a honey-coated voice from somewhere behind Yeosang. He was sitting on the step by the entrance door tying his shoelaces. A lopsided smile stretched his lips.

"Cheeky, hyung." He finished with a bow and turned to Seonghwa. The raven haired was already dressed for the day. His long legs clad in tight black trousers topped with an overfit ivory pullover, the knit fabric looked so soft and the v-neck of a minute width to give a peek at a thin silver necklace. He looked dashing and his hair wasn't even styled yet. Perhaps the messiness of it as it had air dried (or blow dried? More reasonable since it was winter) gave the overall outfit a needed softness. If the stylists iron it and part it to the side, it would be the final touch to complete the chic style that the eldest was probably going for. Yeosang appreciated that his hair was still fluffy. Too early for heart attacks.

"I must insist you move to the dining hall for your breakfast, young master." The eldest gestured towards the kitchen with his head bowed. Yeosang didn't know whether to laugh or stare at Seonghwa's ridicule of a roleplay. "If you would please grace us with your presence."

It was..ridiculous. Yeosang was left speechless as he somehow started to walk.

"This way, my prince." Seonghwa pulled a chair for him. "Please have a seat." His head was bowed down as he waited for Yeosang to step closer and lower himself until he was seated at the table. Seonghwa scurried to the counter and picked up a few items, setting them neatly one next to the other in front of Yeosang.

The blond watched as Seonghwa placed a glass of warm milk, two perfectly sliced pieces of buttered toast on his favorite porcelain plate and cutlery on each side. He noticed the cute bunny ears drawn with cinnamon on the foamy milk. It was a banana milkshake now that Yeosang took a whiff of its aroma.

He swallowed thickly, looking up at Seonghwa who still had his head bowed down. "Hyung.. Wha--" he gestured at the table in front of him. "What's all of this for?"

Actually, he meant everything that Seonghwa was doing. 

"Humour me," whispered the raven haired. "It is to ensure you start the day well, your majesty. I have made this meal with your personal preferences in mind." He met Yeosang's gaze, a loving smile on his face. "I would be glad if you tried some of it, my prince." There was a light in his eyes that told Yeosang of how much he was enjoying the whole thing.

It would be monstrous to deny him of such delight.

Yeosang hummed around a mouthful of milkshake. "It is a must to note that this milkshake tastes and smells like heaven." The eldest was too into character. He wasn't meeting Yeosang's gaze or lifting his head up even when adressed, just as a butler on duty would. And Yeosang, well, he could humour him. He picked up the silverware that were on either side of the plate and made a show of cutting a piece of toast before actually, genuinely, melting. Seonghwa made the best tomato jam and there was no room for arguments. "This is so good, Seonghwa." Yeosang closed his eyes to savour the sweetness of the jam and the saltiness that the butter provided. "Best toast in forever." He shook his head.

He didn't understand how he does it but anything that the eldest made for them was insanely tasty and it wasn't often that he cooked for them seeing their packed schedule.

He stabbed a piece of toast and held it up for the eldest. "Try, hyung." He made an 'aah' sound for Seonghwa to open his mouth and he obliged, chewing on the offered piece before nodding.

"Thank you, hyung. Everything is delicious." Seonghwa stepped closer to him and patted his hair.

"I'm glad." He planted a kiss on Yeosang's cheek earning him a small gasp.

"H-hyung.."

Seonghwa turned then and rounded the table, picking up another plate with more toast from the counter and a coffee mug for himself before sitting down opposite from the younger.

He asked Yeosang about what he had scheduled for the day and the two began to chatter about their plans as the rest of the boys joined them for a quick breakfast before filling into the van and driving off to the company.

The day passed with them filming a few clips for their Ateez-logs as they went over previous choreos for warming up, individual vocal lessons, another dance practice with their choreographers to learn the new routines for the tour.

By early evening, Yeosang was drenched in sweat and uncomfortable with the way his clothes stuck to him. He could feel every bead of sweat rolling down his back and the way that even his scalp was humid made him shudder. He just needed to finish up this one routine that a few of them wanted to perfect more.

_You can do it, Yeosang. You can do it._ He kept chanting despite the pain in his left knee. It was nothing. The strain of his body was the least of his worries. If anything, it was better to be tired after a long day of hard work. It kept him from doing a lot of things, like getting lost in unnecessary thoughts and not paying attention to what’s being said to him. Besides, he wouldn’t feel so bad about the time he wastes if he wasn’t being so productive, and around his groupmates at that. He relished in the feeling of accomplishment. 

__

__

He ran a hand through his hair as he sat in the van, they were ready to go back to the dorm after finishing up for the day. His nose scrunched as he took in how damp it was. Mingi and Wooyoung were already dozing off on each side of him, the latter with his head resting on Jongho’s shoulder.  
San was still talking to Yunho about his ideas for an upcoming project that the company was planning and his excitement had captured both Yonho’s and Seonghwa’s attention. The only missing member was their leader. Having decided to stay behind with their producer a bit longer to work on new beats together.

Once they were parked outside the dorm, they filtered out of the car and one by one made their way towards various parts of the house. Wooyoung didn’t make it any further than the couch though and landed face first on the cushions. It made Seonghwa smile. He walked closer to him and shook his shoulder.

“Clean up and then you can sleep. Yunho ordered take-out for us and it will be here as soon as you’re done.”

San who has been gobbling down some orange juice kneeled before the couch and poked Wooyoung’s cheek with a cold finger. “Bathroom is empty. I’ll help you if you want to.” Wooyoung only nodded and stood up with San’s help and the two made their way down the hall.

Seonghwa sighed, picking up the glass that San had left on the coffee table before heading towards the kitchen. The others were nowhere in sight. 

He busied himself with tidying up the kitchen then the living room and setting the table when their food arrived.

Mingi was the first one to emerge from his bedroom as quickly as Seonghwa called them. He seemed to have put on his outfit haphazardly as his collar was tugging at his neck in what could only be an uncomfortable way. His neon green shirt was worn very wrongly.

“Please. The food won’t run anywhere. Just put the damn shirt the other way around before you choke.” 

Mingi smiled at him with a toothy grin once he realized why he’d been struggling before doing as told. Soon, the table was filled with boisterous laughter and loud voices as the rest came to refuel after relaxing in the shower. Seonghwa excused himself after making sure that Wooyoung and San were back. There was no sight of Yeosang in the first floor bathroom so he assumed that he must have taken off to claim the bathtub of the second floor to relax after Yunho had joined them in the kitchen. 

He was right. But oh how he was so wrong.

He closed the door behind him and got under the warm water, ready to spend the next half an hour or so to get ready for bed.

Yeosang had been on the verge of peeling his own skin ever since he got into the van. It took them ages to get back home as they were stuck in the evening traffic of Seoul and he was left with counting each passing second before he could get to the confinement of his bedroom and peel every piece of clothing that reeked of sweat and was crumpled from moving around too much during their practice. The longer he sat there unmoving from the same spot in the traffic, the more he felt his patience break. By the time they were home, he was trembling. His skin prickled and stung at various points and his vision was turning hazy from how little air he was taking in.

He had no idea how long he sat on the edge of his bed or why he was crying, quietly, but crying still. The only thing he registered was the urge to clean up and he moved to do just that. Standing up on shaky legs, he stormed off to the nearest bathroom before locking the door and stripping down to lower himself in the very warm water of the tub. No. It was boiling hot but he took no note of it. He scrubbed his skin with soap, his nails dragged over his scalp to work in the shampoo, he scrubbed in more soap and clawed at his hair until it burned where he ran a comb through it. The blood under his nails was washed off by the current as he stood under the shower to rinse himself off with more water. The sound of the drops on the tiled floor brought him comfort. He stood there for ten minutes. Fifteen. More? He didn’t know. He was clean and that was all that mattered to him. He wrapped himself in a clean towel and walked over to the sink to splash some cold water on his face. The mirror was fogged over. He didn’t care. It was better to not look himself in the mirror. He wasn’t as wide-eyed as when he first stepped into the steaming water. It didn’t matter. He was comfortable.  
He threw his unclean clothes in the washing machine and watched it start turning, the whirring indicating that soon, there would be no trace left of the long day he had.

Placing another towel on his head, he walked out of the bathroom and towards his bedroom. The house was quiet. He didn’t think he had spent such a long time disconnected from the outside world but now that he plugged himself back and checked the clock, he realized that it was well past one in the morning. He picked up his phone and started going through social media, recent notifications, the schedule they had for the next day. He spent the next half hour laying in bed and then putting on some clothes and drying his hair.

Once his clothes were clean. He went to retrieve them from the drier. The scent of detergent was so relaxing that a gentle smile tugged at his lips. He sat cross legged on the floor and began to fold each item and set them in a neat pile so once he was done, he picked up the folded laundry and stood up. He staggered, feeling lightheaded and his vision turned blurry. 

Again. He registered how he'd forgotten to have dinner again. No wonder he was feeling weak, he hadn't consumed anything since breakfast.

_Right. I need to eat something._

He put everything back in the closet and picked up his phone that's been sitting on his bed and made his way towards the kitchen. The others were kind enough to leave him his share. It was some chicken and tteokbokki that he quickly dug into. He didn't realise just how hungry he was until he bit into the chicken leg. The sauce was marvelous and it had still stayed crispy. He didn't slow down when pieces of meat fell on the floor and not when the tteokbokki sauce littered the white surface of the table. He was a messy eater but it was even messier when no one was watching. He liked that he was free like that.

He walked over to the fridge after wiping his hands and poured himself some juice, bringing the bottle back with him to the table. The first glass was downed before he could make it to the chair and sit down so he poured himself seconds and thirds until he was no longer thirsty.

Sighing, he wiped the corners of his mouth and started to clean up the table. Used paper towels and plastic plates all going to the trash can. He lathered the glass he drank from with dish soap to get rid of the grease and stains and rinsed it under the water before placing it upside down on the dish rack to dry.

Turning back to the table, he sighed. How unsightly. It just needed a few rubs, here and there. The floor too. He did so thoroughly, mind going over the steps of making a mochaccino that he'd seen on youtube. He brought out the needed ingredients, hovering in the kitchen to make the final product and decorating the foam with some cinnamon. There was some cake left in the fridge. A banana wouldn't hurt, it's actually healthy. He nodded to himself as he poured himself some water, smacking his lips and noticing that he had some chocolate frosting stuck in the corner of his lips that he licked off with a few flicks of his tongue and it was only then that he noticed how sweet the cake had been. 

He reached out to the cabinet and retrieved a bag of potato chips. Barbeque flavor, spicy and most importantly, salted. Perfect.

He flung himself over the couch and turned on the tv. There was a new drama he was interested in watching so he scrolled until he found the newest episode and pressed the play button. The pitter patter of rain on the window and the set up of the drama made him relax more into the cushions.

"When are they going to learn to clean after themselves.."

It was a messy sight. A brownish powder littered the counter top and table. Spoons of all sizes, knives, forks and plates were scattered around the table. Seonghwa sighed, pushing the open drawers closed with his hips and picking up the empty containers and milk carton to throw away.

It honestly looked like the aftermath of a party in the kitchen.

He could imagine the state of disarray the living room would be in too but he first needed to tidy up the kitchen. He needed a shower, that could wait until he's done with the dishes.

He danced around the kitchen. From one corner to the other, multitasking by arranging cutlery and fixing a breakfast. The rice cooker beeped, indicating it was done so he went over to retrieve the bowel and dumped its content in the pan of sautéed veggies to finish his dish of fried rice.

As if summoned, Yunho walked into the kitchen and hooked his chin over Seonghwa's shoulder.

"I'm actually exhausted. I could sleep through eternity but," he whined. Seonghwa rolled his eyes, a discrete smile tugging his lips because of how cute, even if raspy, his voice sounded so close to his ear. It was endearing, how Yunho made himself so small in the his embrace as he was hugged sideways. Seonghwa made sure to stir the pan with one hand while the other rubbed Yunho's back gently.

"It's still early, you could go back to sleep. We have no schedule today."

It was around the time they would usually be up and bustling around the house to get ready. Yunho must have been used to waking up at said hour. An internal clock of sorts. He really should go back to sleep. There was nothing to do of obligation.

He nodded.

Yawning, he made his way to the living room. He paused, only then noticing the person on the couch. He tiptoed around the furniture and took a closer look at who was sleeping there.

It was Yeosang.

He was clutching a pillow close to his chest. Rosy cheeks, pouty lips and golden locks splayed on the cushions. 

Yunho _had_ to hug him.

The additional weight made the younger grunt. Opening his eyes a little and seeing that it was Yunho, he nuzzled closer. Pillow long forgotten as he took a fistfull of his mold green hoodie and curled up into Yunho's chest for warmth.

It must have been freezing to fall asleep on the couch.

The silver haired boy reached for a blanket and threw it over their bodies, Yeosang melted into him further and shoved his cold toes under his legs to heat them up faster. Yunho blinked slowly, watching as the blond beauty in his arms fell back to sleep almost instantly.

Yeosang was endearingly lovely, laying curled up like that and so small. His cheeks were beginning to flush more. It made Yunho smile.

He closed his eyes, the sound of soft breaths and additional comfort clinging to him lulled him to sleep and he soon fell into a comfortable slumber. Sometimes, Yeosang would rub his cheek against his chest, humming, the blond strands would tickle his nose as a result. Other times, Yeosang would snuggle up even closer to him, with his small frame on top of his large one and an arm across his tummy alternating between gripping the soft fabric covering his chest and sneaking around his torso to hug him.

Yunho was aware of how much it meant for Yeosang to find a sleep buddy willing to offer the comfort and warmth- and moving very little and slowly, that was why both Mingi and San were often excluded from the offer of cuddles. Despite having the body of a giant, Yeosang still wouldn't ask for Mingi to cuddle even if he liked a frame much larger than his to melt into. That's where Seonghwa and Yunho would come in the picture. 

Seonghwa was, well, Yeosang's Seonghwa. And Yunho. He had grace in every crevice of his being. His hands were gentle, oozing liquid warmth whenever they so much as hovered over Yeosang. And when they touched him, he could only savour the soothing rubs and caresses. His firm chest was Yeosang's favourite for snuggling. The crook of his neck was the prefect hideout for Yeosang's face as he would nuzzle his pulse point to elicit the almost immediate tightening of his arms around the younger. He guessed that Yeosang liked how he knew what to do without having to be asked.

If Yeosang's hand flattened on his chest, it meant he wanted his hair played with. If he ducked his head further, it meant he wanted his ear to be covered with his palm while continuing to play with hair. If Yeosang slid from his chest and lay by his side, it meant he has to turn sideways. If Yeosang hugged him, he wants his back rubbed while being hugged back.

There were many instances in the beginning where he had his hands replaced, tugged, sometimes swatted because he was placing them wherever he felt suitable across Yeosang's body. There were also times when Yeosang would melt into the pile of cuteness that he was. Like that one time he caressed his cheek with the back of his fingers and his knuckles brushed against the pouty lips of Yeosang. The latter had sighed and went limp in his hold. He guessed it was a thing Yeosang liked a lot but he never dared repeating if the younger doesn't nuzzle his hand first.

"Just let them sleep the day away?" Yunho picked up through his sleep haze.

There was shuffling of feet around the room and a few creaks. A hum followed.

"They wouldn't have slept in so late if it wasn't needed. They must be tired."

"But I want to cuddle with my best friend too." A higher voice said.

A sigh. "You do realize I will hunt you down if you cause them to wake up."

"I didn't see him since the ride back home." The same high voice protested.

Yunho opened his eyes and glanced around the room. Before he could tell the three of them to tone it down. A "what do you mean since the ride back home, Woo?" Came from Seonghwa. He wasn't that loud but not the quietest either. Yeosang stirred in Yunho's hold and nuzzled closer. Everyone held their breath, waiting to be scolded for being loud. But when Yeosang continued to sleep. They breathed a sigh of relief.

Seonghwa, who was standing by the wall, locked eyes with Yunho. He smiled upon the realization that he was awake but it was soon wiped off when he turned to Wooyoung. The latter was on the couch opposite from both Yunho and Yeosang. He felt eyes on him and met Seonghwa's piercing gaze. "What? You were loud too, hyung. You woke Yunho up." Yunho rolled his eyes. He could have returned with some snarky remark but he didn't want to risk waking Yeosang up when he was this close to him.

Seonghwa shook his head indicating that it wasn't what he made him look back at him, practically with a glare. "No. I thought he was in your room.." He looked confused, a frown twisting his features.

"Who, Yeosang?" Seonghwa nodded. "Yeah. Last night." Wooyoung just shrugged. "He never came."

The eldest frowned deeper, his gaze fleeting to the floor and lingering there a little too long before he looked at the boys in the room. He sighed.

"Let him rest. Don't disturb him." His voice was stern, Wooyoung couldn't but nod in affirmative. Yunho wasn't planning on so much as stirring.

The two others left the living room quietly, going to their respective duties and plans for the day. So as San went to wash up and brush his teeth, Seonghwa grabbed the shopping list that he'd filled earlier. He went to get his coat and put on his shoes before leaving the house.

* * * * *

The weather was actually great. It wasn't intolerably cold, the grey clouds veiling the sky served as a blanket and warmed up the air a bit. It would have been a lot more chillier if the sky was clear, so he had noticed through living his 22 years of observing the world. There was still a chance for it to get freezing.

Yeosang shook his head. His train of thought leading him to the fact that he forgot to bring an umbrella. Getting soaked by the rain was the possibility that would make it freezing and he was never a fan of such craze.

Wet hair. Clothes sticking to each other and soaked through. Drenched pants by the thighs and the feeling of water dripping from the ends and onto the back of his socks and down his heels. Did he mention wet hair? A nightmare in a nutshell.

He would probably never understand the thrill of walking in the downpour of thick droplets or what ecstasy could bring looking up at the thundering clouds while they unload their seemingly endless reservoir of water as they roar and strike lightening back and forth between each other.

He loved the rainy days, don't get him wrong. It was the part about getting soaked that made him uncomfortable.

When it's raining cats and dogs and he's under it, his vermilion umbrella in hand and over his head. That is what he loves. The ground under his feet would be the surface that receives the catharsis of the skies and together they produce the melody to which his soul sings in joy.

A destination not needed as long as he is able to walk for a very long time until he could no more.

Regardless, he still walked in the evening air. He chanced a look at the sky to assess how much time he still had until nightfall.

He loved when the clouds shone in a silver light. They weren't. They were dark. He'd spent all afternoon and evening roaming the streets and he ended up in the outskirts of Seoul. There wasn't a sign of civilization near him. Green grass and greener trees. Bushes and vines and is that an iris? They bloom in winter, he knew so. His pointer finger caressed the lush purple petals, squeezing one between two fingers and assessing how smooth and how thick it was to the touch. He sat cross-legged and stared at the flower. Merely admiring the beauty but never daring to pluck it from the ground. His love for flowers never meant he wanted to carry them with him. It meant so much more to him to observe them where they grew and relish in their beauty until he was satisfied and could leave. They have a longer lifespan when they stay rooted.

His phone vibrates in his pocket as he was stranding up. He had no memory of putting it on vibrate mode. It was even rarer for it to ring. It's always on silent.

The contact name was blurry and the numbers kept swimming around the screen. He pressed the side of the phone, putting it back on silent. He was already shaking.

"Hello?" He said after bringing up the device to his ear.

It was hard to breathe. Too hard suddenly.

"Sangie, baby, it's me, Seonghwa. Where are you now?" He whips his head to the side and then the other. He was taking a walk. He was outside. He wasn't sure. He was honest.

"Do you want me to come get you or can you manage on your own? It's getting late, angel. Come back soon."

He would. Trust him, he would have gotten back soon. He just.. was he lost?

"Baby, what do you see?"

There was no sign. No street names. No huge buildings or billboards.

"Trees, Hwa." All green. But no light. It was getting darker. It was also really quiet. The only sound he could hear was the noises from the phone. He put it on speaker and set it before some tiny daisies. The yellow buds were pillowy and squishy.

"Anything else, Sangie?" Seonghwa was panting. He didn't know why his voice was so breathy.

He shook his head. "I found irises earlier and now small daisies but it's dark, hyung." It was also colder than before.

"Stay where you are, Sangie. I'm coming to get you. Don't go anywhere."

He shook his head again. The daisies won't allow him to go anywhere even if he wanted to. He'll probably draw them too.

He wasn't that good at detailing his drawings of flowers but that one hybrid he created by mixing an orchid with and iris was the only one he was proud of. He had never gotten to coloring it but it was better like that. It would probably be ruined if he tried to.

That dove he drew in eighth grade was beautiful but when he added the blue sky with clouds like cotton candy, he messed it up. His English teacher scolded him for staining the entire page from his notebook with blacks and lines of grey that he didn't mean to spread across it when he tried to wipe off his mistakes.

"Yeosang. Yeosang, don't sleep here, it's cold." Seonghwa did his best to not startle the younger boy awake. He was leaning his back on a tree, if that could be called leaning. His lower back was touching the ground and his knees were pulled up, only his shoulder blades were touching the bark and his head was bowed uncomfortably; it would be a miracle to not have his neck strained.

"Sangie, wake up, baby." His ears were submerged in a deafening silence and he was staring to soak up the freezing air of the forest. It took him one of the wildest car drives to be there in no time before only God knew what could have come across Yeosang. Maybe it already did. He wasn't waking up.

Seonghwa knelt down on Yeosang's side and brought his arms around the younger's torso to slowly, very carefully, lay him on the carpet of leaves below them. He leaned forward, lips brushing against milky skin. His own hands were colder than a comfortable stroke on Yeosang's cheek so he opted for using his lips to assess his body heat on different parts of his face and neck. He brought those delicate hands with dainty fingers to his lips and pressed a soft kiss on the icy skin. Yeosang's hands tend to get colder as the weather changes, so does his button nose, now reddened and equally cold under his lips. Hypothermia was a looming threat and he needed to get them both back in the car and its warmth. Whatever the reason was behind Yeosang not waking up was something Seonghwa needed to find out when a roof is over their heads.

It started drizzling.


	2. Cobwebs, Caught In Their Intricate Pattern All Over Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They got caught under the rain and it spiraled from there and out of control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I pray you head the tags.
> 
> I am not satisfied with how this chapter turned out even if it took me a little over a month to update but please keep in mind that I had finals and a thesis to finish so I wrote this in between all of that whenever I needed to distress. I do take criticism and would listen to any of your opinions so feel free to leave some if you so please~~
> 
> Song rec, hmm, you lovelies know of a Wonho? My dearest has released an album and 'I Just' is so soothing so I recommend that one to ease your soul.
> 
> You are taking care of yourselves, right? It is getting much colder way too quickly so stay warm, stay hydrated, wear your masks properly, do not get lost in the familiarity and keep your loved ones close~~

"Hyung. Please, take this off." 

Yeosang was tugging at his jacket as soon as he opened his eyes.

"My pants are wet, hyung." His voice sounded broken in the eldest's ears and Seonghwa, who was behind the wheel, couldn't risk looking back at him. The rain was heavy and it was hard to see the road ahead.

Yeosang was crying. He really tried to only focus on the present. How he was sitting in the passenger seat of a car with his Seonghwa not an arm length away. But he was far from being there. He was too deep in his head. The images and memories were making him want to wail. To crumple down on the floor and hug his knees. To cover his ears and just cry.

Seonghwa was trying to tell him that the heater was supposed to dry their clothes before they could make it back home but Yeosang wasn't listening to him. He kept telling the younger to 'please stop crying, Sangie' but he could see how he wasn't heard.

How could he be heard when Yeosang was curled up against the seat. Sitting as far as he could from the wet jacket that he'd discarded on the floor and regarding it like it was a hound ready to gnaw his bones. He covered his ears with his palms as if he could hear it growl at him.

Seonghwa didn't know what to do. He had no place to park. Even if he did he could get them both in danger in that weather. They would take forever to get home if he stopped.

He pulled over on a random spot that he deemed safe as it was the furthest from any moving vehicle. Reclining his seat all the way back to not be disturbed by the gears, he did the same to Yeosang's and pulled him closer and onto his lap.

"Baby, Sangie, angel. I'm right here." He hugged him closer to his body but Yeosang pushed him away with both his forearms. "Yeosang, I swear to you. You're safe now, love. It's just you and me in the car. I turned on the heater so you don't have to worry--" Yeosang was shaking his head.

"My pants are wet, hyung. There's rain in my hair and my jacket…" he chanced a look at it from where he was sitting in the back seat.

Seonghwa reached for the bag of clothes he kept in the car for emergencies, like this one. He pulled out the first sweatpants and shirt that came into sight and held them up for Yeosang to take but thought against it and set them on his lap instead. He held out his hands for the younger to take. "Baby, let me help you out of those." He smiled gently. "Come here." He waited until Yeosang came nearer again. His cheeks tear-streaked and nose red. He was crying and he was hurt. Seonghwa could see it in the way his eyes kept shedding pain and how his lips parted to let out agony. He might have had zero clues about what was going on with the blond boy staring at him with anticipation but he knew that his distress stemmed from the wet clothes that were on him and the sooner those were replaced the faster he could calm him down.

"Let's take these off first." He rubbed Yeosang's knee with his thumb to indicate what he meant. The younger steadied himself with a hand on each of his shoulders as he made quick work of pulling the black jeans down and the sweatpants up in their stead and helped Yeosang settle back on his lap.

He rubbed his hands over the fabric up and down Yeosang's legs to warm him up faster. "Do we keep--" Yeosang was shaking his head even before he finished asking.

"Change everything." And Seonghwa didn't need to be told twice to help the boy on his lap into a new shirt and new socks, setting all of the discarded clothes behind his back and over the seat in one neat pile. "There, Sangie. All done." His fingers found Yeosang's hair, crading through the locks and stroking. He tried to meet the younger's eyes but the latter leaned forward before he could get the chance to, burying his face in the crook of his neck when a shudder ran down his spine making him whimper.

"Hyung."

Seonghwa hummed then. "What is it, love?"

"Hyung." This time it was laced with a whine.

"Yes, angel?" He buried his nose in Yeosang's hair. It wasn't that wet anymore.

"Hyung." His breath hitched. And Seonghwa was once again alarmed by the change of tone.

The next thing he registered was Yeosang clinging to him for dear life. He let him cry, thankful that his long coat that he'd removed as soon as he got into the car had blocked any and all rain from clinging to his clothes otherwise he was sure that Yeosang would reject even the smallest of touches from him. He could only rub his back and whisper to him that they were safe, that it will be okay, that he's got him and that he wasn't going to let him go.

It wasn't his plan to spend their free day out in the backseat of his car while thunder roared outside and rain poured, but he wouldn't have wanted it any other way. 

It wasn't everyday that Yeosang left the house so he didn't give it much thought when he was told of the blond's outing once he returned to the dorm from his trip to the supermarket. Of course, he was worried about where he'd gone off to. But by six, and with no sighting of Yeosang in the house, he was officially worried. He talked himself into calling the younger, perhaps hoping to be told that he was just getting out of the elevator and walking to their apartment but alas, there was no such thing. Instead, Yeosang had no clue about where he was or his surroundings. A few taps on 'the find my pet' app as he talked to Yeosang to keep him on the line with him, and Seonghwa was left with a pin and an address that he needed to drive to quickly.

That was how he ended up with a sleeping Yeosang in his arms and one hand struggling to punch in the code before he all but barreled through the door and into their dorm.

"Kang-- oh.." Wooyoung clasped a hand over his mouth to quieten himself down before he got into trouble. "Hyung?" The sight of Yeosang in different clothes and in Seonghwa's arms was odd but he knew better than to startle his best friend awake.

"Hyung, what happened?" He strode to the couple, his fingers brushing against Yeosang's cheek before he could even think of doing it. His cheek was mushed over Seonghwa's shoulder while he clung to him like a koala in his sleep. And Wooyoung, he could tell that Yeosang had cried himself to sleep by the dried tears on his cheek.

He moved closer to leave the softest peck on Yeosang's lips and retreated slowly, catching Yeosang's gaze when his eyes fluttered open. He removed his arm from around Seonghwa's neck and stretched it out, reaching for Wooyoung. He looked drowsy, the sleepiness weighing his eyelids down as he blinked lethargically, still attempting to keep himself awake.

"Woo, kiss?" His speech was slurred. His own voice sounded drowned in his ears and he felt fuzzy all over. His stomach was pitless and butterflies were fluttering their wings all the way up to his throat and condensed themselves in a swarm there. He wanted to cough all of them out.

"Oh, baby." He wanted to close his eyes when Wooyoung's palm caressed his cheek. "Sangie?" he hummed a response. His eyelids really were not obeying him and eventually fluttered shut.

"Hyung. What happened? Sangie's running a fever." It was wiser to ask the eldest when Yeosang wasn't responsive.

He followed the couple to the room where Yeosang was laid gently on his bed. However, he wasn't having any of it.

Soon, his eyes were filled to the brim with tears. They shone like bids in the light and overflowed to soak up the pillow beneath his head.

Seonghwa, who was explaining to Wooyoung what had happened in the past couple of hours since he left the house, had to stop and whipped his head downwards upon hearing Yeosang's broken cry.

Yeosang was feeling sick and his heart hurt when Seonghwa put him on the bed and stood up again. He was talking to Wooyoung about something he couldn't focus on and it didn't matter to him, honestly. They were there, towering over him, paying him no head and he felt… he felt abandoned.

It wasn't his rational thinking, but he didn't know that. What with the many instances he was feeling unwell and stayed in bed all day. He was young. He was sick. He was alone. No one cared. He was left to fend for himself. Even when his legs couldn't support his weight. Even when he felt like he was a star burning up and ashes of him never formed. His bones were liquid fire and his muscles ached from the strain of having to use them when they were too weakened to function. No one ever cared.

He couldn't escape no matter how much he ran forward. He always fell back in that dimension and it was the one and only reality that could contain him.

_Don't leave me alone.  
I don't want to hear those steps getting further.  
I don't want to hear the door locking.  
Not again.  
Please. Please. Please stay._

He just wanted the company and not someone to look after him. He just wanted a hand in his hair. A blanket to be thrown over him when he felt like his flames were reduced to ice and his muscles seized involuntarily after the strain in them left and was long gone. He wanted anything. A genuine touch, nothing more. Just, anything but the grey comforter with its cold seeping into his body.

"Yeosang!"

They both gasped at the state he was in within a minute.

The back of his neck was exposed and the shirt was tugged lower on his shoulder. There were trails on his skin from his nails and they were spilling out blood. His face buried in his forearms as his left hand tugged at his hair mercilessly. He looked a mess and his body was shaking with muted cries.

Wooyoung was by his side in an instant. He hadn't realized what he ignored to do but if Yeosang asked him to do something then he should have obliged immediately. 

He tugged at both of his hands and slammed Yeosang's body to his with so much force that Seonghwa had to protest. Placing both of Yeosang's hands on each side of his face, he let his own fall on the blond's hips with a grip firm but gentle.

This wasn't new to him. Whatever Yeosang had in mind was of low importance. What his fancy conjured didn't matter.

Yeosang wanted them there. He knew it.

It was hard to explain before but Yeosang had told him about the things that troubled him. He told him specifically about this one. That he despised being in a corner and invisible to the people he cared about the most. That it took all of his willpower to make a sound, to say anything, to call for help but, he never gets to do just that. He falls into an abyss every time, of only him and his fears swarmed in the dark.

 _"You have to.. revive me, Wooyoung. Else I would go insane. You just have to and I trust you, Woo."_ Whatever it takes. He had to bring him back. His way. And Yeosang entrusted him with that whenever he lost himself, to always help him find his footing and hold his bearings alongside him.

Yeosang must have been out of it for at least hours. He wasn't looking at him but his golden orbs were fixed on his face, dimmed and not reflecting any light if not for the tears glazing them. The only time he saw him, actually saw Wooyoung, was when he called his name by the door when Seonghwa brought him into their dorm. He was in a sleep haze, in a headspace much different than his usual ones or the one he was in at the moment, he acknowledged him still. Again, Yeosang couldn't see him and Wooyoung feared, no, he was frightened of asking what he was seeing and where he was exactly down the memory lane. It wasn't good, that much he could tell. Wherever he was was not a safe place to be and he needed Yeosang back. He needed Wooyoung to bring him back. It had worked once before, countless times before, that if Wooyoung made sure to provide the one thing Yeosang processes before completely switching dimensions, he will have him back for sure.

Maybe it was his mind's way of speaking out a warning, perhaps a sign that he was slipping and would be needing to be brought back, but if Wooyoung listened carefully, he will know what to do, what Yeosang wants him to do. And now, Yeosang needed attention and Wooyoung was never one to question why and how when it came to his best friend. In any form he needed him, Wooyoung would be there for him. Wooyoung would shower him with kisses if that helped to get him back.

The hands on his cheeks were far too cold and Wooyoung was alarmed by how much the small heap on his lap, consumed by fear and everything but clarity, was shivering. He needed to stay calm. He had to be for Yeosang. 

His body was cold, he was scared, he couldn't feel any of it.

His name was being called, repeatedly, but he wanted to cover his ears and not hear the noise shadowing the voices he knew so well.

There were hands on him, foreign, but delicate in their touch on his back and over his hands. He knew not to be scared when they were so gentle because he knew those touches.

There was warmth encasing him slowly, draped over his shoulders and then all around him. A note in his ear that he was familiar with, it promised trust and spoke of liss. A whiff of placidity courted his nose and he dove further and let the light of it overpower the darkness inundating him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps I romanticize Wooyoung and Seonghwa's presence too much but they do rival grounding and sensing a presence fully at any given time is both a bliss and a gift. If only we tried. Sometimes, sensing someone else's presence is an anchor to reality. It helps quite a lot and I'm glad Yeosang has the two of them to pull him back.  
> Hurt? Yes, but here, have comfort with it too.

**Author's Note:**

> I need to go to sleep now. It's 4am. I'll proofread later.
> 
> *comes back a month later to make changes after proofreading that include rectifying mistakes and adding more tags*


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